If you catch your children or your wife masturbating you must beat them with a rod no bigger than your thumb or spank them twenty times with the palm of your hand.
If you find yourself unable to resist the temptation of masturbation try place a pack of ice on your testicles every night before bed until you can control your sinful pleasure.
Spreading your seed upon the ground is a sin and leads to lechery and homosexuality.
Do not allow your wife to masturbate or else she will become a feminist lesbian and want a divorce.
Do not allow your children to masturbate or else they will become gay and worthless in the eyes of the lord.
Beat them accordingly if they continue in their sinful passions and ban them from your household if they refuse to stop.
Praise Jesus.